Introduction

 

In 2009, God gave me a vision that I would change lives through words. At the time there was a lot of chaos in my life. I simply wasn't in a position to help change anyone's life. Though I would journal and write poetry throughout my life to release my pain, I never had any intentions on sharing it with anyone. Writing was never a passion, but simply an outlet. It was therapy.

 

Through childhood I experienced some things that only God, myself, my journal and the persons involved knew. From abandonment, rejection, molestation, abuse, rape, failed relationships, suicide attempts and much more. I wonder why I was even born. I felt like an outcast all my life and truly believed my life was meaningless. Yes God existed, I knew that, but I really couldn’t seem to find him in my mess of a life.

 

I got married in December 2006 and it was a wakeup call. The word of God tells us to seek God first in all things and everything else would be added unto us. Well I decided to help God and do things my way. I decided to enter into covenant with man without God's approval. I thought love could fix everything, but never realized the wrong love could destroy me. Not to mention I was broken on every side and had unresolved issues.

 

By July 2007, I was impregnated with possibilities. She was planned, but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally I was in no position to raise a child. I felt discouraged upon finding out the gender because in my mind what was I going to do with a girl child. A mother through my lenses was extremely vague. Due to marital stress, I found myself almost on bed rest five months into pregnancy. I had to visit the doctor three times a week. I visited the emergency room often due to dehydration and malnutrition. My baby wasn't growing and neither was my marriage.

 

Finally, my Destinee arrived. After nine frustrating months my purpose ( though induced) was here on her expected day of arrival. I cannot even remember my emotion because I was completely numb. Holding her was quite uncomfortable. Nursing her was impossible. The joy of motherhood was not immediate for me. I was annoyed by her cry. She even sat in her car seat hours at a time. My baby didn’t even want to be held by me. She was not comforted in my arms, like most babies. There was no real connection, it was quite scary. I had thoughts that were outrageous. I am ashamed to even say, but it was my reality then. Though still married, it seemed like I was living with a complete stranger, so mentally I had checked myself out. As far as I was concerned we were divorced. He had moved on with another and I did not have the energy to fight for the marriage. Now, I am forced to be mother. I had no clue; I mean the word mother didn’t mean a thing to me and the postpartum really did not help the situation. I was ready to mother initially because we discussed raising a family together; therefore, began planning for it. However, a harsh reality hit me way before Destinee arrived; I was going to be a single parent. I despised the thought of it. So my motivation was very low. In the meantime, I lost my job, Destinee was here, and my marriage was not repairable. He left. My world crashed all at once. Despite greater past challenges, this situation broke me down to my lowest point. Not only did I feel worthless but I felt like a failure. I couldn’t provide for or even comfort my child in her time of need and who wants to feel unloved. My emotions were extremely high. 

 

One day I became paralyzed. I woke up from a nap and could not move. My baby was staring at me and crying because she was ready to eat, but I was simply stuck. I began calling around but no one was available. My next move was to call 911 but I finally got a return call from a good friend. She came over and assisted me. She began to pray. All I could do is cry. I can only remember her taking my baby for a few hours and me taking a nap and waking up with activity of my limbs. This was a turning point for me. For once in my life, I was not strong enough to get myself together. I usually let things roll of my back and continued on no matter what. This is when I realized who really was in my corner and it was no one who claimed they loved and cared about me. I had so called friends who simply took joy in my failure and some just walked out on me.

I knew there was a God, but in this season I felt far, far away from Him. Praying was not an option; I didn’t feel up to it. Praising was not helping. I even left the church for two years.

 

Once I came to my senses, I began seeking counsel. It was during counseling where I was prompted to revisit my failed marriage.  I  was prompted to even examine roots that were planted before I said the words “I do”. I found that I was skipping through life by burying everything inside. I hid behind multiple jobs at a time, classes, church activities, busyness, and helping everybody else.

 

I never considered myself a writer, but I thank God for blessing me with the ability to express myself through writing.

 

I realized my purpose about five years ago. So it is never too late. No matter what you’ve gone through or even going through, God is able. No matter how much you think you are not important God loves you! There is hope! You have a purpose! The very test you endure will determine that purpose. So whatever area in life you are being challenged in, understand that He is preparing you for your next steps in life.

 

Moments in HerStory from Pain to Purpose will serve to empower and encourage women who have experienced life altering challenges. It is a platform to assist women heal through their very own words, while helping others in need. It will inspire many to lean on God as a Source of healing, deliverance, and restoration. 

 

When you allow God to enter in, you are safe in His arms. He will cultivate you through your crisis situations. The Word of God says:

 

Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him, If you scrub your hands of sin
and refuse to entertain evil in your home,
You’ll be able to face the world unashamed
and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.
You’ll forget your troubles;
they’ll be like old, faded photographs.
Your world will be washed in sunshine,
every shadow dispersed by dayspring.
Full of hope, you’ll relax, confident again;
you’ll look around, sit back, and take it easy.
Expansive, without a care in the world,
you’ll be hunted out by many for your blessing.
But the wicked will see none of this.
They’re headed down a dead-end road
with nothing to look forward to—nothing.” Job 11:13-20